4 posts tagged “funny”

Santa

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

Holiday Wreath 01

  If I had not watched all of this happen, and someone told me this story, I'd have thought for sure that it was made up.  Well, it's not and since it turned out to be rather funny, I'll let you in on it.

  I was at work and one of the girls brought the mail over from the front desk.  Well, I thumb through it and I noticed that she missed a piece that belonged to her.  For the purpose of this story, I'll call her Murphy (this woman rocks, she has a Murphy Brown quality about her, that's why I chose that name).  Anyway, I'm at one end of the office and she's at the other.  I walk the piece of mail over to Murphy and go back to my

Interesting so far huh?....LOLdesk.       Not even a minute later, I hear whar originally sounded like crying  but it quickly dawned on me that she was really laughing her ass off.  There was no muffled laughter  but just a huge outburst of hysterical giggles.  It turns out that Murphy had received a Christmas card from a guy that she dates.  Now, she and ... ohhh ... we'll call him Bill...lol, date casually when he's in town, it's no biggie...at least not to Murphy. 

     Bill was kind enough to write Murphy a break-up note inside of the Christmas card.  It was not a catty note but one of those "it's not you it's me" bullshit things.  He goes one and on about how he thought he was ready for something serious but wasn't and yadda yadda.  The more Murphy read, the harder she laughed.  She really was under the impression that they were just "dating" and not "exclusively" so needless to say, she had not been turning down any dates.  My suggestion to her was to send him a "Thank You" card..........postage due....lmfao!  I liked the idea more than she did...ha!

     The only thing that is more fucked up than breaking up with someone in a Christmas card is doing it via e-mail.....I hope he gets a clue in his stocking for Christmas.......lol!!!!

Looking Smart

Oh okay...it goes like this.  I allowed myself to be talked into persuing or meeting new potential partners online.  Since I'm so picky, it's winter (I hate going out in the winter) and I'm picky...no that was not an accidental repeat.  I figured, "Okay, what the hell?" "What do I have to lose?" Well the answer to the first question is still open but the second one has been duly answered.  What's the answer you ask...?  I'm glad you did.  The answer to "What do I have to lose?"  My patience and my sanity....LOL

Before I go on my tirade, I have met some super cool people that I've talked to and write to.  So, not everyone is a total wash, I'm making some killer friends in the process.  That said.  What has started out as "stepping out of the box" for me has become something that is mimicking a science experiment.  After a few conversations or text chats with some of these guys, I am thoroughly convinced that I'm dealing with individuals with mutated genes.  I know, that was harsh but when a guy states that he's "looking for that special person to spend his time with", then his second question is directly related to my favorite sexual position, I conclude there is a problem. 

I am a crazy magnet anyway, so if there is guy out there that has no manners, less sense and zero social skills, I've met him.  No, he's not my ideal, but we've crossed paths, that's for sure.  The ones I really enjoy are the ones who decide that I'm their woman and we're having babies in the first chat conversation.  Is it me or does that SCREAM issues?  Just wondering.

I further enjoy the notes and letters that say "You're hot, let's meet." Ummmmm.....no?!  I may exude an air of being ready to settle into a long term relationship but I do not ooze of putrid desperation.  What makes someone think for a minute that a woman would just run across a state or two to meet some guy based on a poorly formed "hello" note?  Do people really do that??  For cryin out loud, I hope not.

Finally, I have to say that the group of people who drive me the most insane are the "tasters".  Why do I call them tasters??   It's because they've never "had" ... "tried"...."done" or "tasted" a black woman....*cracks head on keyboard*.  I am not opposed to people being honest about never having been involved in an interracial relationship or encounter....I'm just opposed to those who make statements that make black women look like food.

I have my tag line as "Not just another pretty face" for a reason.  If you have read my profile, you'll see that I'm on a number of different sites.  Most of them are based on appearance and in all actuality, I'm unsure if they give a damn that I have a brain in my in head or not. 

I am a freelance model but I have a full time job that pays the bills.......mmmmk for the most part anyway..LOL.  I'm an office manager for an advertising, marketing and branding agency.  I am also a full time, pre-law student with a second major of psychology.  I guess that's fitting as it takes a stark raving lunatic to carry a double major on purpose.

I live in Missouri and absolutely loathe cold weather, cooked carrots, liars and players.  I don't have time nor patience for any of them.  The cold I have to deal with but that doesn't make me like it.  I also have two dogs that I just love.  Both my dalmatian and my pekingese have personalities of their own and they are the true diva's of the house.  Now only if they could get a true jobby job, we'd be all set.

Nice to meet you and I hope you'll introduce yourself to me as well.