3 posts tagged “fun”

I was thinking today about how easy kids have it.  I know, my parents spent a a lot of time telling me about how much easier my life is than theirs too, but I'm not as old as they are so I can't relate....LOL.  I can, however relate to my own then and nows.

I am going to be so dated by this blog but what the hell, I've earned my stripes so here goes.

Today, there are tons of products on the market that will help you to toddler proof your home.  There are locks for cabinets, plugs for outlets and all that neat shit.  Talk about soft!! When I was little, baby proofing was very different,  it was called a bobby pin.  You took the bobby pin, stuck it in the outlet and ZAP! Baby proofed.......after a good jolt of 120 volts, you just didn't do it again.  Talk about character building.

Also, to the best of my recollection, I didn't have a car seat.  Let alone them being mandatory.  We had a car that only had two seats, one in the front and one in the back.  Aww don't front, you all remember those long ass bench seats!  You thought that shit was mad fun when the car made a sharp turn or sudden stop.  That was like a poor man's Disneyland!  Sharp turn? Sliiiiiiiiide to the right and hope the door was locked.  Sharp turn left.......you learned how to drive because you were in the driver's seat.  Sudden stop? Hands out front, dashboard a-comming but you KNEW that, so you were prepared.  We would have been appalled at a contraption designed to tie is down into a metal rack.  Talk about raising hell....lol

I think as kids, we might have been smarter than kids today.  Why?  We had the common sense not to swallow "Lincoln Logs" "Leggos" and "Weeble Woobles".  Oh and contrary to marketing, if you cracked the bottom of a "Weeble Wooble" dunked it in water and laid it on it's side....Weebles woobled and they did fall down.  We might have torn up some shit but we didn't choke on toys.   Toy labels shouldn't read " choking hazard for children under three"......they should say "choking hazard for dumb-ass unsupervised kids".

Nowadays, they have child psychologists, adolescent psychologists, behavioral psychologists and medication to teach kids how to act.  You need an insurance plan now to train kids.  My folks? They had a 10 dollar belt.  That was the only behavior modification tool needed in the house.  I don't read too often about a kid being afraid of a psychologist but to this day, I'm scared to death of a belt over an inch wide........ha!  Problem, problem solved.

They have all these cool ass modernized toys to help kids learn how to read.  We had just one.  It was called a BOOK!  If we were dying to hear a story, we read that shit out loud.  Books were also multi purpose, they served as serving trays for miniature tea sets, defensive weapons against unruly siblings and the fastest way to give a teacher a nervous condition.  Nothing better than waiting until the teachers back was turned, leveling a book flat and letting that sucker hit the floor "POW"!  However, that usually led my ass back to that belt so I chose my teachers wisely....lol.

The closest we had to a personal computer was  "Simon" and a "Speak and Spell".  I won't even pretend to mention cell phones.  Back in the day, a mobile phone was phone with a one-hundred foot cord.  When the cord ran out, conversation was over or you backed the hell up.

Lastly.  Kids complain that parents invade their personal space.  PERSONAL SPACE?!!  We didn't even know what personal space was.  My parents made is crystal clear that as long as they paid the house payment, they owned every room in that bad boy and that the room I slept in was on loan because as soon as I turned 18, I had to check the hell out.  I didn't own shit.  I called myself locking the door on my dad one time and after he kicked it in, I was forced to reevaluate the existence of personal space....LOL.

Kids now, I think, do not know how fun it can really be to be young.  I wish that just once, one of these kids who considers them self to be old school, knew what the hell old school really is.

Santa

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

Looking Smart

Oh okay...it goes like this.  I allowed myself to be talked into persuing or meeting new potential partners online.  Since I'm so picky, it's winter (I hate going out in the winter) and I'm picky...no that was not an accidental repeat.  I figured, "Okay, what the hell?" "What do I have to lose?" Well the answer to the first question is still open but the second one has been duly answered.  What's the answer you ask...?  I'm glad you did.  The answer to "What do I have to lose?"  My patience and my sanity....LOL

Before I go on my tirade, I have met some super cool people that I've talked to and write to.  So, not everyone is a total wash, I'm making some killer friends in the process.  That said.  What has started out as "stepping out of the box" for me has become something that is mimicking a science experiment.  After a few conversations or text chats with some of these guys, I am thoroughly convinced that I'm dealing with individuals with mutated genes.  I know, that was harsh but when a guy states that he's "looking for that special person to spend his time with", then his second question is directly related to my favorite sexual position, I conclude there is a problem. 

I am a crazy magnet anyway, so if there is guy out there that has no manners, less sense and zero social skills, I've met him.  No, he's not my ideal, but we've crossed paths, that's for sure.  The ones I really enjoy are the ones who decide that I'm their woman and we're having babies in the first chat conversation.  Is it me or does that SCREAM issues?  Just wondering.

I further enjoy the notes and letters that say "You're hot, let's meet." Ummmmm.....no?!  I may exude an air of being ready to settle into a long term relationship but I do not ooze of putrid desperation.  What makes someone think for a minute that a woman would just run across a state or two to meet some guy based on a poorly formed "hello" note?  Do people really do that??  For cryin out loud, I hope not.

Finally, I have to say that the group of people who drive me the most insane are the "tasters".  Why do I call them tasters??   It's because they've never "had" ... "tried"...."done" or "tasted" a black woman....*cracks head on keyboard*.  I am not opposed to people being honest about never having been involved in an interracial relationship or encounter....I'm just opposed to those who make statements that make black women look like food.