4 posts tagged “christmas”
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
If I had not watched all of this happen, and someone told me this story, I'd have thought for sure that it was made up. Well, it's not and since it turned out to be rather funny, I'll let you in on it.
I was at work and one of the girls brought the mail over from the front desk. Well, I thumb through it and I noticed that she missed a piece that belonged to her. For the purpose of this story, I'll call her Murphy (this woman rocks, she has a Murphy Brown quality about her, that's why I chose that name). Anyway, I'm at one end of the office and she's at the other. I walk the piece of mail over to Murphy and go back to my
Interesting so far huh?....LOLdesk. Not even a minute later, I hear whar originally sounded like crying but it quickly dawned on me that she was really laughing her ass off. There was no muffled laughter but just a huge outburst of hysterical giggles. It turns out that Murphy had received a Christmas card from a guy that she dates. Now, she and ... ohhh ... we'll call him Bill...lol, date casually when he's in town, it's no biggie...at least not to Murphy.
Bill was kind enough to write Murphy a break-up note inside of the Christmas card. It was not a catty note but one of those "it's not you it's me" bullshit things. He goes one and on about how he thought he was ready for something serious but wasn't and yadda yadda. The more Murphy read, the harder she laughed. She really was under the impression that they were just "dating" and not "exclusively" so needless to say, she had not been turning down any dates. My suggestion to her was to send him a "Thank You" card..........postage due....lmfao! I liked the idea more than she did...ha!
The only thing that is more fucked up than breaking up with someone in a Christmas card is doing it via e-mail.....I hope he gets a clue in his stocking for Christmas.......lol!!!!
OH FFS! I was doing my morning reading and saw where in South Carolina, a 12-year old boy was arrested for finding and opening his christmas presents early. I know, it sounds like some crazy shit you might have to research on Snopes but I've done the digging and it's true.
The boy and his 27-year old mother live with mom's grandmother. The great grandmother had bought the boy the popular Nintendo Game Boy Advance for Christmas, wrapped it and placed it under the tree. The boy found the gift, unwrapped it and played with it. When the great grandmother found the gift missing the boy claimed to not know the whereabouts of the toy. The great grandmother tells mom that the toy is missing and upon further investigation, finds that the boy had been playing the game in his room, so she calls the police. She justifies this by saying "It wasn't yet his, he wanted it and he took it. I didn't know what else to do."
She didn't know what else do do??!!! Hmm let me see, whoop his ass? Take it back? Donate it to charity? Pick your order but my mom would have made ME give that toy away. She would not have saved me the embarassment. THEN she would have made sure to tell the whole family what happened to my gameboy at the Christmas family gathering. I would be so mortified by it all that everytime Christmas rolled around or I saw a Game Boy Advanced, I'd have to seek inpatient therapy.
The boy was never officially held at the jail, he was charged with petty larceny and sent for processing at a juvenile facility.
