I was just over at M.I.L.F's blog, tearing up shit on her post about Wheather Or Not Size Really Matters . Well, somewhere in conversation, we...okay I...went from the penis to the clit since I've never been a size queen. As I started to type on that subject, I had a flood (no pun intended) of ideas that I needed to lay down for the fella's....lhell, some of you ladies too from what I hear....LOL
Oral sex is serious business. Many guys think they know what they are doing but they prove they really don't know "clit". I'm going to tell you the things that yo momma couldn't, you're daddy wouldn't and your girlfriend didn't...ha! I, know, imma bad bitch tonight...ha!
Contrary to popular belief, the road to the clit does not start at the bottom, it starts at the top. Even though, when you get down there, you may moisten things up a bit, no need to start licking on dry pavement. Kiss her for a while and feel around...I'll elaborate on this concept another day.
Now that you've allowed your hands to travel, notice what kind of panties she's wearing. There is nothing cool about giving your woman a wedgie during foreplay or getting your fingers tied up in fabric. If you do it right, she'll simply think you are warming things up when in all actuality, you are feeling out the terrain. You must know your plan of entry. If you can't work it out, don't feel bashful about just taking the sides and sliding them off altogether. You can see how good your kiss was with the panties on the floor.
When you've determined your foreplay is good, you'll know that when you have the urge to take her off of your sheets and lay her ass on a sheet of "Bounty.....The Quicker Picker Upper"....it's time to start taking your trip down south.
I'm aware that some of you smell your food before you eat, but, try to not make that shit so obvious. Believe it or not, that causes some anxiety. A woman may be shower fresh but she is very concerned about what you're thinking. If you don't like what you smell, don't start looking for Glade, hold your breath, kiss the inner thighs and work your way back up. If you really want out of the situation, tell her that it's just too soon for all that and suggest you order pizza......LOL
Let's say it's all to your liking. It's time to begin with a massage. Fella's you are NOT mashing on buttons down there....gentle...gentle and circles are really nice. They don't even have to be wide ones, the clit is not the size of a softball, no need to circle the whole field to get the clit swollen. Now, in you go!
You are face to face and nose to nose with the clit....move in. Little nibbles can be very cool but damn guys, you are not trying to chew it off. When she leaves, she will want to take her clit with her. I know..her hips are moving....well hell yeah, that shit hurts and she's trying to ease the pressure and find a more comfortable position. You are NOT trying to chew the knot out of a shoelace......don't act like it.
Sucking is good too but it's not a straw. Although the clit is small, it has some areas that are more sensitive than others. Listen to your partner. When she says "right there" she means "right there". If you are a real pleaser, it doesn't matter if it feels like your knees are falling asleep....do..not...fucking...MOVE! You shift, you might as well have to start over....damn that!
You've done your job and she's about to climax, let her tell you how much pressure she needs and ride that thing out. If you stay with it, you can probably give her multiples......
Now.....who want's to try?.........LOL!!! Good luck!
I was thinking today about how easy kids have it. I know, my parents spent a a lot of time telling me about how much easier my life is than theirs too, but I'm not as old as they are so I can't relate....LOL. I can, however relate to my own then and nows.
I am going to be so dated by this blog but what the hell, I've earned my stripes so here goes.
Today, there are tons of products on the market that will help you to toddler proof your home. There are locks for cabinets, plugs for outlets and all that neat shit. Talk about soft!! When I was little, baby proofing was very different, it was called a bobby pin. You took the bobby pin, stuck it in the outlet and ZAP! Baby proofed.......after a good jolt of 120 volts, you just didn't do it again. Talk about character building.
Also, to the best of my recollection, I didn't have a car seat. Let alone them being mandatory. We had a car that only had two seats, one in the front and one in the back. Aww don't front, you all remember those long ass bench seats! You thought that shit was mad fun when the car made a sharp turn or sudden stop. That was like a poor man's Disneyland! Sharp turn? Sliiiiiiiiide to the right and hope the door was locked. Sharp turn left.......you learned how to drive because you were in the driver's seat. Sudden stop? Hands out front, dashboard a-comming but you KNEW that, so you were prepared. We would have been appalled at a contraption designed to tie is down into a metal rack. Talk about raising hell....lol
I think as kids, we might have been smarter than kids today. Why? We had the common sense not to swallow "Lincoln Logs" "Leggos" and "Weeble Woobles". Oh and contrary to marketing, if you cracked the bottom of a "Weeble Wooble" dunked it in water and laid it on it's side....Weebles woobled and they did fall down. We might have torn up some shit but we didn't choke on toys. Toy labels shouldn't read " choking hazard for children under three"......they should say "choking hazard for dumb-ass unsupervised kids".
Nowadays, they have child psychologists, adolescent psychologists, behavioral psychologists and medication to teach kids how to act. You need an insurance plan now to train kids. My folks? They had a 10 dollar belt. That was the only behavior modification tool needed in the house. I don't read too often about a kid being afraid of a psychologist but to this day, I'm scared to death of a belt over an inch wide........ha! Problem, problem solved.
They have all these cool ass modernized toys to help kids learn how to read. We had just one. It was called a BOOK! If we were dying to hear a story, we read that shit out loud. Books were also multi purpose, they served as serving trays for miniature tea sets, defensive weapons against unruly siblings and the fastest way to give a teacher a nervous condition. Nothing better than waiting until the teachers back was turned, leveling a book flat and letting that sucker hit the floor "POW"! However, that usually led my ass back to that belt so I chose my teachers wisely....lol.
The closest we had to a personal computer was "Simon" and a "Speak and Spell". I won't even pretend to mention cell phones. Back in the day, a mobile phone was phone with a one-hundred foot cord. When the cord ran out, conversation was over or you backed the hell up.
Lastly. Kids complain that parents invade their personal space. PERSONAL SPACE?!! We didn't even know what personal space was. My parents made is crystal clear that as long as they paid the house payment, they owned every room in that bad boy and that the room I slept in was on loan because as soon as I turned 18, I had to check the hell out. I didn't own shit. I called myself locking the door on my dad one time and after he kicked it in, I was forced to reevaluate the existence of personal space....LOL.
Kids now, I think, do not know how fun it can really be to be young. I wish that just once, one of these kids who considers them self to be old school, knew what the hell old school really is.
I know that some of you are waiting for the daily James Brown update, so before I kick off today's blog, here's the update: He's still dead.
Okay, now, moving forward. Online dating now has gotten to be big business and for many, a way of life. Does that mean you're desperate? No, not necessarily, most adults now are just too busy and the conventional methods of dating have become mundane and unfullfilling.
Not that I'm some kind of expert, but I am perceptive and I see a lot of things daily that show me why online dating is harder for some and not for others, so maybe I can share with you what I've noticed.
Pictures: This is always an issue for me. Why in the hell would someone use their baby picture or some other favorite childhood picture to pick up on someone of the opposite sex? If you think that you looked your best at age 10, you have some issues. I can't speak for the rest of the normal world, but I can say that I, for one, am not enticed by a guy who shows up saying "hey sexy" and his primary picture is him in a sandbox with a lollypop. Women are usually not as guilty of using their own baby pictures rather, using pictures of their kids. Not that there is anything wrong with showcasing your children but if you are able to catch a guy that wants to "holla" when you've approached him with a picture of your 9-year old daughter, I'd hope you'd have enough sense to know that there MIGHT be problems ahead.
Another word on pictures. If you are really trying to connect with someone, why are you using pictures that are 10 years old? If you are serious about meeting someone, don't you think they will notice weight gain, loss or other changes that occur in a 10 year period? Shock and awe tactics are not good in dating.
Sending Messages With Boring Titles - Face it, online dating is marketing. A reasonable "attention getting" subject line that reflects your personality will increase the likelyhood of your message being read. Sending messasges that start off "sup", "hey sexy", "damn you fine" and other over used phrases will put your note at the bottom of the list. Another flatliner that is climbing the ranks as a true dud is "you".
Dumb Ass Messages - I could write a blog on this alone but I'll just contain this to a few sentences as I wish some would when they wrote me. Do not waste someone's time writing a note that says just "hey", "sup", "wut it do", "hi". One word messages are a delete waiting to happen . You want people to waste their time trying to pull conversation out of YOU when you've approached them? Are you that fuckin fine that someone needs to try and get in YOUR head just because you said "sup"? You've lost yo rabbit ass mind.
If you are interested, don't take the position that "I'll just send somethy. ing and see if he/she writes back". Newsflash! Chances are good that if you send something with no substance, they won't. Bring your "A" game, not your little league one.
Thinking That Being FINE Is Enough - Baaaaby, let me tell you something. God don't like ugly and ain't to crazy about pretty. Statistically, most online daters are a little older and out of the club scene. What does that mean? It means that most of us have done "Fine" already and are interested in substance. Sure, "Fine" may get you in the door but let me tell you something, even if you make it in the door, you have to be able to stay in the room.
Another statistic to keep in mind is that in the online dating arena, the ratio of men to women is about 2:1. What does that mean? That means that women have more of a selection than men. Men, you are competing for these women wheather you want to believe it or not so handle yourself accordingly. If being "Fine" is all you have to offer, you're in deep trouble. Ladies, even though there are more men than women around, don't think that just because you "got it going on" that you are irreplaceable, you're not. Don't think you're Gods gift....gifts can surely be returned to the store.
Be Open - This, I think is the most important. Make sure you have pictures of the real you up. When you have a profile with no pictures, people automatically think you have something to hide, like wives, husbands, girlfriends or boyfriends.
It's important to understand that although it may seem insignificant, you're profile is what people notice first about you. A person is not nosey by reading statement from your friends or what others have had to say about you. It's usually good indication of what you have going on in your life. If your profile screams "game" it will be really dificult to establish trust. If your shit is on the level, then why hide. Sure, there are more excuses for hiding than a felon going to jail but the reality is, if you have drama, you are involved. Don't make the assumption that people are stupid, many live by the cliche "belive none of what you hear and half of what you see", the half we see can really mess up your chances. If you are "keeping it real" then don't just say it. Do it.
Lastly but certainly not least, do not make the error that in order to catch the attention of that hottie online that you must provide unsolicited pictures of your genetalia. Unless there is some major medical issue, by design, all men have penises and all woman have vaginas. Unless yours speaks a foreign language or can clean house, being well hung or perfectly shaved does not make you a keeper.....LOL
I soo thought I was way over and way past this until I heard the news on the Tom Joyner morning show this morning......*laughing at the thought of my next sentence*....The Godfather Of Soul....James Brown...Is NOT IN THE GROUND YET!.......*Falls Off Chair*!!
It appears that there are some estate issues that are holding up burial. For cryin out loud!! They changed that man's suit four times while they paraded his dead ass across the country. Talk about all dressed up and no place to go for real! That's like saying you're going to an exclusive party, getting all dressed up...going to the Price Chopper so everyone sees you then going back home. Literally!
I said literally because *breaks in laughter again* James Brown's body is being stored in a guarded, climate control room of his house while his family figures out this madess! I am so beside myself that I can hardly maintain. I think when the preached about a James Brown homegoing...they were talking about the afterlife, not South Carolina! WTF are these people thinking.....ohhh SNAP! I know! They are arging over who gets that gold coffin! See, at some point I knew that was going to cause major difficulty in one way or another....ha ha ha
James Brown's home has been locked since days after his death. The media says it was to protect his memorbilia. Brown's attorney, Buddy Dallas said:
"Just imagine what would have happened," Dallas said. "Items of James Brown would have left there like items off the shelves of Macy's in an after-Christmas sale."
That, too, is pretty fuckin funny since Brown died early Christmas morning....lol @ his house being an after Christmas sale. What he's not totally telling though is that the house was locked to keep his "wife" Tommy Hynie out of the house while they figure out if she was even legally married to him or not. I have noticed that the media now refers to her as Jame's "partner". Lawdhavemercy.
If it's not bad enough, there's a gold digger in the woodpile. It seems that last year, a woman had filed legal action against James Brown for a rape that supposedly happened 20 years ago. Not trying to sound insensitive, as the statute of limitations on rape and sexual assult in many states is way too short but 20 years? This is like a sober person fighting a drunk, talk about an unfair advantage? Taking a dead man to court over something that happened 20 years ago...it's not like he can testify on his own behalf and be adequately cross examined! Talk about a drama queen? She's been reported as saying:
"As a rape victim, I will never get to face him in court, and it hurts," she said. "But we are moving forward. We filed against his organization, as well as him. So now his organization stands in front of him."
In her lawsuit, the woman said Brown raped her at gunpoint in 1988 while she was his publicist. She seeks $106 million in damages. This case was already tossed out by a Federal Appeals court in August, she's requesting that the Supreme Court hear the case.
All I know is that I will be undone, overdone, outdone and indone if the court has to order the burial of James Brown. His will has not even been filed yet as of the last report that I read. I know James is singing "Please, Please, Please......."
One last time, Aretha! Tell me you are taking notes. When it's your time to go, all I want to be able to write is what a legend you were and how they had trouble getting your whole dress in the coffin......ok?
I am so glad that Monday is over that I don't know what to do with myself. Well I have some ideas but that's a whole different blog! 
Anyway, it began like any other morning, I got a Sweetie call first thing in the morning ( gotta love those )....so I was sure that my day was going to start out right. Now, My morning call is usually between 3:30 and 4am and noooo it's not some daily phone sex call...LOL. Anyway, when I got off the phone, I napped for about 30 minutes I had already not slept well the night before, so I was trying to get what I could. Anyway, I make that middle of the night restroom run, grab the dog on my way back to bed, toss her on it and lay back down since I had about an hour before I actually had to be up.
Well, I notice that instead of laying down like she normally does, my dog is trying to figure out her best angle off the bed. At this point, I'm like screw this, if she doesn't want to be up here then fine, just let me fuckin CHILL before I have to get up for work. So, I go to grab her and help her down and I realize why she's trying to get down. That little shit pissed on my bed. Dammit, I wanted out of my bed too! Since when has my bed become her toilet? I've had that dog for 10 years and she has never, even so much peed in her bed, so why mine? 
I get up and take care of all that.......and go to work. Now, I work for a small business and those tend to struggle from time to time. My boss has been vacationing in Cabo and it was his first day back, so as his office manager, he kinda needed me around but I had to run out and get copier paper for the office. Well long story short, that ended up being a conversation in and of itself.
THEN! My day is finally over...thank goodness and I make the 45 minute commute home when I get a call from my boss telling me that the janitorial staff did not lock our elevator. Now, they are supposed to lock and unlock that sommabitch at 8am and 5pm. It was 7 when I got the call! WTF!! So I call......
Let me tell you a little about our maintenance guys. I have yet to see them fix jack shit. I see them walk around and point a lot but I've not ever seen them DO anything. Okay, I've seen them scratch once or twice but thats it.
So I call the 24 hour maintenance number.....I get voice mail. I leave a message. I wait about 15 minutes (as I've been instructed that if I don't get a hold of them......I have to GO BACK to the office and lock it) and I try again.....nada. I let the dogs out, change clothes and get in my car and head back to the office. About 15 minutes into my drive, I get that lazy fucker on the phone. He advises me that he was still down on the property and hadn't gotten to it yet. What the hell?! Our schedule is not on a "whenever the fuck you feel like it" basis! Bless this man.....I just did.
The rest of my night was pretty uneventful, but damn, a Monday by any other name......would still be a pain!
Very seldom do I address issues according to race unless it's so blatant that there is no way around it. This is one of those times.
Captains Star Log 2006, 10 Black Employees walk into work at 180 Connect cable company in Long Island to find a hangmans's noose in their work area. The area the noose was in was visable to employees however was only accessible by a white manager and a white equipment manager.
Cable installer, James Jackson, a 26-year old black employee of 180 Connect was the first to notice the noose upon his arrival at work. When he asked his supervisor, Willie, about the noose the following conversation occurred:
Jackson: "Who's that for, the rope?"
Willie: "For anybody who goes past that door that I don't want them in there."
Jackson: "Hang 'em?"
Willie: "Yeah."
Another installer, Shomari Houston, also asked about the noose:
"He said, 'Yo, I like that, it's cool, I am gonna hang Russell up there. Think we can get James up there?' " Houston recalls Murdock saying. "I looked at him like, 'You serious.' "
Russell and James are both black employees of 180 Connect.
I have serious concern that this issue is going to be minimized by the legal system. Why? 180 Connect has a complaint procedure and this incident was not taken through the proper chain of command. The group went public prior to giving the company ample opportunity to "cure" the situation. It's difficult to hold any entity repsonsible for behavior of their employees or policy without first, giving them an opportunity to look into the allegations.
Another red flag for me that this may be handled very gingerly is that Willie, the manager has been suspended with pay once 180 Connect had knowledge of the incident. I don't see that as disciplinary rather a short term vacation. The second man, Murdoch is still working at the company.
Still another factor that may affect this case is that Willie was married to a black woman for 17 years and will use that to dispel any allegations of racisim on his part. Socially, there have always been differences made between black women and black men. There are many cases of white men who engage in relationships with black women yet still harbor ill feelings for black men, so I'm hoping his excuse and claims do not jade those who are supposed to be investigating this issue.
The EEOC has become involved with this case and 180 Connect has requested an investigation with a neutral party to determine wheather or not this was blatant racism or some insensitive prank. The independant investigators wish to speak to the complaintants without the presence of their attorney's since the independant investigators do not consider this to be a "legal" matter. The complaintants are not doing any interviews regarding this situation without the presence of their lawyers to that will hinder the independant audit of the incident.
So tell me what you think.....racist message or stupid prank? You tell me.
Yah know, a lot of women don't know how to deal with their exes. Even when we think we have made a clean break, something happens that makes us so angry that we wonder why we even dealt with them in the first damn place.
It's at this point that we really try and figure if the dick was so good that it was worth the trouble and in many cases the answer is no, we stayed for some reason but for another reason they are exes.
Sometimes we even consider if jail time is worth the heartache that we sustained during or after the relationship. I know many a woman who has asked one of her girls for a reminder as to why she lets that sorry ass man continue to breathe. The answer is usually that is murder is illegal and goodness he's not worth all that, we think he's on our nerves NOW....LOL.
Evaluating some of the conversations I've had with the girls, I've come up with a few little things that may help you through the time when the ex acts up. Just small things you can do to get through the moment........ready?
1. Take a hot bubble bath. That is a subtle reminder of one of the things you cannot do in prison.....ha!!!!
2. Don't engage in the conversations that talk about the break up. If you are not considering getting back together with him then why even bother. It's a round robbin argument that is totally nonproductive and will not have a resolution. If that shit could be resolved, you'd still be together.
3. Remind yourself that murder is illegal.
5. Let him speak his peace....he will undoubtedly remind you why he's an ex just give him a second.
4. Question why you are still talking to him in the first place. What's the point? If you can't find one then cut the line, if it's over ... it's over.
5. Remind yourself that murder is illegal.
6. If you all still have mutual obligations, don't be afraid to put things on paper. Outline what responsibilities you all have, bills, kids whatever and get it documented and notarized or done in court. That way you have a leg to stand on if he doesn't follow through other than idle argument. Chances are if everyone followed through on their word, the relationship may still be in tact.
7. Let the phone ring. If you really don't feel like addressing things at the moment and it's not an emergency, let it go to voice mail, see what they want and handle it later. Don't let it go too long but just long enough to prepare yourself for the conversation and to stay on task.
8. Remind yourself that murder is illegal.
9. Talk to friends, that's why you have them. Just be sure when they are ready to talk back your ears are open.
10. Don't worry about who he dates after you. Who cares about the bitch that got your sloppy seconds anyway?........HA!
I know all of that is very tongue and cheek but you know most of that does work if we can put things in perspective. Although this is written from a woman's perspective, some of these are applicable to the fellas as well.
Have a good one and carry on!
